when i returned to san francisco, i took with me a subway token. a tiny but concrete reminder of what was to come. i've carried this piece of new york around with me in my change purse ever since. this small piece of metal with a hole in the middle, so that i would have a sliver of this city's power and passion, drive and ambition, madness and insanity, hubbub and hoohah, resilience and strenth, with me always.

i woke up this morning around 8:15 am from a rather disturbing dream in which former mtv vj kennedy was lounging about on my floor broadcasting a radio show from my bedroom. the silence was deafening. i stumbled to my feet and began rather inexplicably to cry.

when i regained my composure, i headed out to tompkins square park, unclear exactly why this was where i wanted to be at 8:46. i found a solitary bench, parked it and sat very quietly, taking in the muffled sounds of my corner of the city waking up. the air was very still. and then the bells began to toll. and all around me people continued to walk their dogs, and city workers continued to sweep up cigarette butts and fallen leaves, and the traffic continued to flow on avenue a and jets continued to pass over on their way to who knows where. even in that moment, life went on.

and then, the stillness in the air was replaced by a strong gust of wind. a vigorous, life-giving swirl of atmosphere, the kind you breathe in deeply through both nostrils until your lungs are about to burst. insistent and persuasive, as if to say to a city holding its collective breath, "Now! Breathe, dammit! Breathe!" and i did.

this morning, i gave that token back. i gave back that tiny bit of new york's power and passion, drive and ambition, madness and insanity, hubbub and hoohah, resilience and strength. that small piece of new york that i had taken with me, i no longer needed to carry around in my pocket. now, new york has me to carry around in its pocket.

now, i'm here.