it took me some time to understand why i had reacted so strongly to the slight upset of made plans.

first, these were MY plans. for the first time in months, especially since i moved to new york, i was doing something that *i* wanted to do, something that was an expression of me, my wishes, my wants, my desires, my interests. like going to see your favorite band, or reading the most recent novel by your favorite author, or having dinner at your favorite restaurant. most of my life over the last year or so, for one reason or another, has been participating in the plans of others. in general, because of an overlap in interests with the people in my life, this has rarely been an issue. and i have experienced all kinds of crazy by being open to the far-flung proclivities of others. but, sometimes you want to share a bit of yourself with others. bring people closer into what *you* are about, what feeds you, what inspires you, what moves you. and not having had that experience much recently, the slight possibility of losing that opportunity rattled me.

second, my life these days is quite small. much larger than in chicago, of course, but still small. making plans outside of my established circles helped to make my world feel that much larger, and when those plans appeared to be coming apart, i felt deflated, like my recently-expanded life was collapsing in on itself. which, of course, it wasn't. i could have gone to see the film on my own. that would have certainly fed my first need, doing something for me. but honestly, it would have left the second need, leading a full life, unfulfilled. and that second need has been the real problem in my life since i left san francisco. slowly, but surely, i am beginning to explore and define what leading a full life means to me now. and new york is one hell of a place to do it. so much for that well-defined sense of self i had prided myself on.

i have absolutely no idea where this is going to end up, who or what i'm going to be next. what i've been doing for months now is maintaining. it's time to get back to becoming.