my life, in recent times, has been defined by my past, constantly looking over my shoulder, ruminating on this mistake, or that miscalculation, or the other missed opportunity. lately, i've been taking my past to task, in order to leave it where i belongs. behind me.

a year ago, i was smarting from a very recent, though not altogether unexpected break-up. a year later, i guess that i expected that whatever it was that split us apart would recede, allowing for a friendship of sorts. to go from speaking almost every day for a year, to not speaking at all was, and in some ways still is, jarring. but really that is neither here nor there.

making the transition from boyfriend to friend friend requires closure, something that never happened for me, probably because i kept expecting an answer, a recognition, a resolution, an anything. most importantly, i think i just wanted to say goodbye. on my terms. i felt like i deserved that, that i was worth that. but none of these things happened, for reasons both known and unknown.

yes, it was selfish. yes, it was stupid. yes, it was unrealistic. yes, it was painful. yes, it was incomprehensible. yes, it was fair. yes, it was confusing. yes, it was complicated. yes, it was smart. yes, it was selfless. yes, it was simple. yes, it was clear. yes, it was all of those things and more. all at the same time. maybe i'll never make sense of it. maybe i'm not supposed to. maybe it doesn't matter. what DOES matter is what i do now.

with so much water under the bridge now, i've come to the belated conclusion that what matters most is the act, not the circumstances. the saying, not the hearing. in the end, closure comes from within. it is a choice i make for myself. to turn my head around and keep my eyes forward. goodbye, yesterday. hello, tomorrow.