to have a mirror held up to oneself reflecting the not-so-proud-of bits and yet not be offended or placed on the defensive. appreciative of the uncanny knack for seeing those things so clearly, so quickly. not that i haven't seen them myself. it wasn't revelatory. but that glorious feeling of "yes! yes! exactly! you've nailed it exactly!". that vain sense of self-satisfaction that, all evidence to the contrary, i've been seen, heard, believed, understood. and it's all so easy. it doesn't change the process that i'm going through, just validates, clarifies. putting a fine point on what i mean. plunging through the muck to the sticky center of things.

is this process truthful? or am i just going through the motions? do i have dreams? or am i creating things, telling stories, because i'm supposed to? even as i think these thoughts, write these words, say these things, i feel false. is this a true cleansing of self, a real search for what would be honest, a life of integrity? would i be asking these questions if i had that job that would make life easier? would i be thinking these thoughts if not for the poverty of my circumstances? is it all just a self-indulgent diversion from my current reality? something to keep me distracted, occupied until i can get back to my life as it was.

but can i? get back to my life? as it was? do i even want to? for real? have i changed? for good? has the past year been my rabbit hole? who am i when i emerge, if ever i do? but, of course, i will. it is just a matter of time. but how much time? time enough to become something other than before? time enough to commit to remaining this once i emerge? time enough to decide i'd rather not emerge, commit myself to life in the rabbit hole, whatever that means?

i told you. more questions.