i have always given boys the benefit of the doubt, believing them to be men until proven otherwise. never taking the view that boys were boys until proven men. believing that to live from such a space was a capitulation. with experience comes wisdom.

as queers, we lack the social structures and strictures that mark the transition from boy to man: marriage and parenthood. this is not to say that getting hitched and spawning makes you an adult. it simply saddles you with adult responsibilities. taking others into consideration. not everyone makes this transition successfully, but there is consistent pressure and reinforcement from societal institutions to make it nonetheless.

i am not making any value judgments about this, though i do have strong opinions on the subject. i'm reflecting reality. it's no wonder gay boys are boys. becoming a man isn't something foisted upon us by social rites of passage or simple chronology. it is a series of choices. hard choices even. about trust and fear and responsibility and companionship and commitment and love and loss.

i've learned to love boys for what they are, and what they are not. lacking the compass to navigate complex emotional landscapes. accepting that boys are boys, not men, isn't a capitulation. it is an affirmation. and it doesn't change my behavior. it simply changes my attitude towards it. every boy has the capacity. and that keeps the hope burning bright.

i've had my heart broken more times since i turned thirty than in the ten years prior. and strangely enough, that's progress. proof that i haven't become bitter and jaded. more willing to risk my heart today than ever before. as auden once wrote, "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." and he was queer, too. just saying.