boy, was it incredible to have a friend indeed in town for a pre-birthday celebratory weekend! another california native, who shares a similar sensibility AND who knows me just about as well as one can know me. we didn't spend much time haunting places i actually enjoy here in chicago, opting instead for the things that he simply had to see to understand what life is like here, the things that make this city what it is.

his analysis? so NOT you. especially the queer boys, described as this paradoxical mix of open and closed. i think this phenomenon isn't specific to the midwest, but derives from a life halfway out of the closet. not being out at work or to family leads to being extra-out in safe spaces like the bar, the beach, or the parade. a lifetime of straddling the line between discretion and disclosure. and here i thought it was just me.

beyond that, we did have some successes at local thrifty nirvana "land of the lost", where he got a discount for buying a sweater in heat warning weather (upper 90's with heat indices hovering near 110) and i acquired, as a birthday present, a half-zip pullover, short sleeve members only. just add the rayban cats, parachute pants, and checkboard vans and watch out berliniamsburg.

as for my birthday, i had been unsettled for quite some time beforehand, which most people intrepreted as nerves about growing older. in some ways, i'm sure that i encouraged that misinterpretation as a convenient out from discussing my true feelings on the matter. the real problem was that i knew i would be spending it alone. by choice, mind you. but still alone. yes, there are folks round these parts that would have been happy to celebrate my birthday with me, a sentiment that i certainly appreciated.

but to a man (or woman as the case may be), these are people that enjoy me because i am amusing. in the way that watching someone valiantly struggle to get that square peg into a round hole is. one-sided interactions where i serve as entertainment. and believe me, i AM, as a total stranger at a local watering hole recently observed, "soooooo animated!" but in the small matter of things in common, well, let's just say, i've gotten used to the blank stares. my calculation was as follows. i'd be less lonely alone than surrounded by strangers. and i was right. but this is not the sort of thing that you can explain to the folks in question without hurting their feelings.

and my birthday itself, passed without incident, except that whole nasty bitchy boss thing, but enough with that already. but, it was the next day when the reality of it settled in. i had spent my birthday alone. and that sucked. i mean, nothing actively bad had happened, but then nothing good had happened either. and i began to view it as this symbol of my life here, channeling everything about the last year through this prism of "it could be worse". you could even call it a pity party, though i refrained from crying. then i just got the fuck over it. IS IS AND ISN'T ISN'T. which is what i have had to continue reminding myself as the days count down toward my liberation.

of course, i'm excited about new york. i'm excited about the prospect of being excited. i'm even excited about the prospect of being excited in new york, where being excited about anything brands you as an outsider. but of course, all this looking forward is tempered by an (un?)healthy dose of looking back. little more than a year ago, i was making a similar leap into the unknown. and i failed. i've never failed at anything in my entire life. and that failure has shaken my confidence a bit. actually, quite a bit. at least, more than i've formerly been able to acknowledge. yes, new york is NOT chicago. but after a year of being unable to distinguish between circumstance and situation, keeping that straight in my head requires some serious concentration.

and with all this concentration, i've been remiss in my communications with others outside my small circle and for that i apologize profusely. unreturned phone calls, emails, notes, etc are not my style and i intend to rectify the situation post-haste. just so you know.

oh and before i go, one question. why is it that when extra-large is clothing, you could fit three people inside but when it's coffee, there are as many sips as there are licks to the center of a tootsie pop?