strange that after living nearby for over a year and passing by twice a day for more than two months now, i had never been inside this urban landmark. interesting how tiny the playing field looks from close up. somehow i had envisioned a baseball diamond as this enormous expanse of green, dwarfing the players down to action figure size. i felt like i could reach out and touch them and that was from the nosebleeds. i appreciated the old school feel as wrigley lacks a jumbotron and a scoreboard gnome manually updates the stats as the game progresses. that's hot.

surprising that i enjoyed such an afternoon in the company of coworkers, as i came within a "fuck you" of quitting my job this morning. july 15 will mark 90 days at my current place of employment. that means it's "interim review" time. earlier this week, i was handed a review sheet, a standard corporate form requiring the elaboration of specific and measurable goals, etc. now, if my job was career-oriented in the slightest, this wouldn't rub me the wrong way, but given that my daily grind can be summed up as "do what i'm told", it is more like asking a barista at starbucks to sum up her professional development plan for the coming year.

it wasn't supposed to be this way. i started three months ago with the promise of autonomy and authority; even the hint of leveraging my process improvement background to create some workflow efficiencies (hey, that's good; remind me to find the place for it on my resume). what my main responsibility boils down to today is calling a long list of students who are past due on their tuition payments, inquiring as to when, if ever, we might receive our money. yes, i've become that harrassing creditor that late-night commercials vow to protect you from. not to sound dramatic, but it is soul-deadening drudge.

the form itself has sections for discussing the current year's goals, including an employee self-assessment, for establishing goals for the coming year and for the supervisor to assess the employee's performance in a number of areas, such as knowledge, communication, initiative, etc. i completed the areas that were obviously designed for the employee to fill in, left the supervisor assessment blank, and returned it, believing i had successfully completed my assigned task. but as has often been the case, i was clearly in error.

last week, the holiday week, my boss was on vacation, leaving me to run the shop, without much guidance or supervision. i did rather well for myself, without any major mishaps. when i returned from my own extended weekend, i was faced with a litany of my mistakes from the week prior. not "hi, how are you?". not "how was your weekend?". but "why did you did this?". and "you really shouldn't have done that". charming. this has continued throughout the week as other egregious errors on my part have come to light.

this morning, the review form was hurtled back into my face with a curt "this isn't finished." stunned, i blurted out, "it wasn't clear that you wanted ME to fill out the other part" (since this is specifically for the supervisor to complete, not the employee). her response? "i told you to fill out the whole thing. what's not clear about that?!" turning on her heel, she stormed out in a huff.

at this exact moment, i saw myself quit. i envisioned uttering "fuck you and fuck this job". i felt the satisfaction of gathering my belongings and heading for the elevator one last time. i experienced the rush of freedom as i hurried toward the train. i was overwhelmed by the panic of how to pay my rent and feed myself. and as that moment passed, shaking, i grabbed for my cigs, made a bee-line for the stairs and chain-smoked until i could face the dragon once more. interestingly enough, in our next encounter, she was all sweetness and light, encouraging me to skeedaddle off to the game as it was Floppy Hat Day (first X number of fans get a floppy hat, you know, a gilligan).

by the way, the cubs won, 5-4, in the bottom of that sixteenth inning. honestly, i'm not sure how many more innings i've got left in me.