it was under these circumstances that an incredible opportunity presented itself to me, one that had the potential to solve both of these problems in one fell swoop. you see, my former san francisco roomie and gal pal confidante, the lovely and talented ms. RFo, had been accepted to NYU's graduate program in journalism and was heading east come the summer. suddenly, leaving chicago and moving to new york became a real possibility.

let's backtrack a bit. san francisco. city by the bay, mecca for the gay. in a place with a niche for everything, i never seemed to fit into one. i felt lost, incomplete, invisible. after a few years of this, i decided to make myself visible in the only way i knew how: physically, sexually, superficially. i underwent a calculated image makeover. my thirties were going to be about "being hot". lost the specs for contacts, lost the locks for a buzz cut, grew a goatee for some oomph, shed 15 pounds for good measure. and it worked like a charm. quantity of dates skyrocketed, though the quality left quite a bit to be desired. RFo began referring to the men cycling through my life as "gentleman caller #1,2,3" etc. this is not to say that i was an indiscriminate slut, just popular. but for all the wrong reasons and i began to feel even more jaded about life in the City.

summer 2000. NYC. my 30th birthday celebration. i had been dissatisfied with my life in san francisco for some time and during this trip to visit my best friend who had been slumming as a summer associate before his third year of dreaded law school, i decided to suck it up and take the plunge. NYC by 32, summer 2002. i returned to california to face the realities of preparing to leave behind everything i had ever known for a bright future in the unknown.

then, i met someone different. someone who saw past the surface. things moved along fairly quickly, though there was A LOT of drama and baggage in his life, which i don't feel comfortable discussing here. in one rather intense conversation about our respective futures, the idea of moving to chicago arose. he had grown up in the midwest and yearned for a fresh start away from the hubbub of san francisco. this struck a chord with me. as things do, his issues began to overwhelm his life and eventually became fatal to our relationship. but the seeds had been sown.

as i began to work out my move to new york, doubts began to surface. wouldn't new york just be the same crap in a different box? high rents, closed circles, invisibility? so, i started thinking outside that box and chicago began making a lot of sense. big city, great transport (i don't drive...at all), growing again. someplace without expectations where i would feel the freedom to find my own way to be visible. new york would be running away from my past. chicago would be stepping forward toward my future. and so i started turning words in actions.

flash forward to present day. without a steady job and barricaded in my bedroom.

on the employment front, i couldn't have picked a more inopportune time to fly the coop for midwestern shores. after a handful of interviews throughout the summer, september struck hard. adjustments to the work culture have been rough going, but i have realized that there is a generational component to the geographic one. i came of age professionally during the dotcom boom in the bay area. i flourished in an enviroment with opportunities abound to work for who you wanted, when you wanted, doing what you wanted, the WAY you wanted, for as long as you wanted. loyalty to your company? bah. your loyalities were to yourself and everyone, including your employer(s), encouraged that attitude. you are responsible for your own career. onwards and upwards. with talent leaving every day, the technology-forward branch of the major financial corporation i worked for offered enticement after enticement to stay aboard. challenging projects, casual dress code, telecommuting, promotions, raises, bonuses. in under three years, my salary doubled. i was promoted 3 times and left with a vice president attached to my name. isn't this the way everyone works? get your foot in the door and the skies the limit. years and years with the same company doing the same job was outmoted and OVER.

this "non-traditional" way of working certainly held sway in places like san francisco and new york at the forefront of the new economy and made inroads in other parts of the world that touched this wave, co-existing with older models of working. when the dotcom bubble burst, the company model seemed to reassert itself with a vengeance. top-down hierarchy with a place for everyone and everyone in her place. i mean this is the city where just two weeks ago, employees marched in the street with t-shirts exclaiming "I Am Arthur Andersen". except there didn't seem to be a place for me. the IT market shriveled up and died. desperate to get by, i began focusing on administrative work through employment agencies. i had one woman tell me that if i didn't have several years of admin experience on my resume and didn't plan to still be doing admin work FIVE years from now, she couldn't possibly help me. my resume had become an albatross around my neck. without hands-on coding experience, i was underqualified for the IT jobs that were out there and for everything else, i was "overqualified".

on the home front, things were similarly grim. after years and years of living situations that felt like family, i was faced with disrespect, irresponsibility and quite possibly, danger.

needless to say, this didn't afford much space for "the freedom to find my own way to be visible". i was simply coping and adapting. so the opportunity to live with someone i loved and adored, while living in a city where i believed that "non-traditional" way of working still existed, was a powerful draw.

BUT, in the end, i realized that i HAD coped and i HAD adapted. new york would still be running away from my past. though sometimes overwhelming, work and home issues were temporary. they would resolve themselves and when they did, i still wanted that freedom to find my own way. and so i decided to stay. well, i'm pleased to inform all concerned that significant progress has been made on both fronts.

the day after i decided to stay, my other roommate (the normal one) found a two-bedroom place nearby at a reasonable rent in an apartment building with these cute enclosed front porches that i'd been coveting for months. and yesterday, harrington finally offered me a job as a student accounts rep, after having told me to take a hike three other times (including once for the same job they just offered). my new job starts monday and my new apartment starts may 1. happy ending? how about new beginning.