have you ever been unemployed for nine months? i wouldn't recommend it.

have you ever been unemployed by your own hand for nine months? ditto.

have you ever been umemployed by your own hand for nine months in a city famous for its punishing weather? joy.

have you ever been unemployed by your own hand for nine months in a city famous for its punishing weather where you know next to no one? sounds fun, doesn't it?

have you ever been unemployed by your own hand for nine months in a city famous for its punishing weather where you know next to no one and next to nothing about the rules of the game? but wait, it gets better.

have you ever been unemployed by your own hand for nine months in a city famous for its punishing weather where you know next to no one and next to nothing about the rules of the game after a national tragedy, the scope of which is unparalleled in modern times? couldn't get worse?

have you ever been unemployed by your own hand for nine months in a city famous for its punishing weather where you know next to no one and next to nothing about the rules of the game after a national tragedy, the scope of which is unparalleled in modern times, while living with a soul-sucking vampire? now you see why i need the slayer to stay in THIS reality so i can bus her in to clean things up.

ok, enough of the self-pity. but the above reflects the reality of my existence, what i wake up to day after day. and most days, i just get on with it. i've accepted that this is the way things are. i made choices, some good, others bad, others just plain ill-timed or unfortunate. the reality of my day-to-day life is not a reflection on my worth, it simply is.

on other days, it feels personal, karmic, overwhelming. and sometimes chris, the bright light in my periodic darkness, ends up directly in the crosshairs of my doubts, my insecurities, my despair. Since returning from my trip, i've been having those "other days" with an alarming frequency. probably because i'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, and i'm terrified to let myself hope for the best. i've had my hopes dashed innumerable times since last june.

it used to come so naturally; feeling hopeful, energetic, confident. these days, well, maybe Sisyphus had it worse, but you catch my drift. sad? angry? resentful? only because it has become such a struggle to stay focused on the things i used to take for granted.

it is times like these, those that try our souls, that i understand the appeal of religion. jesus saves, the lord works in mysterious ways, that sort of thing. don't worry. i'm not going to get all mystical or orthodox on you or anything, but for many, faith is clearly a powerful salve.

things are going to improve. i don't know how and i don't know when, but they will. AND i will look back on all this foolishness with a wry smile.

until then.