now, i am currently residing in the Central Time Zone, more commonly known as God's Time. In this strange and new world, prime time television begins at 7pm. i believe that this is a hangover from early-to-bed, early-to-rise days when farming ruled the Great Plains. early prime time is not something i am UNfamiliar with, given a short-lived experiment by SF's CBS affiliate in the early 90's and frequent business and personal trips to Texas over the last several years.

Typically, i tape alot of primetime tv, as i just can't be bothered to watch commercials, this giving me something to stare it on a friday evening after a long, hard week of doing as little as possible. but this being the holidays, almost all primetime network tv is reruns. this doesn't bother me, yet i have noticed it does bother quite a few folks out there who skulk around network web portals and stalk tv fan sites. the nonsense these people post...i tell you.

Due to all these reruns, i've been fiddling about with the timer settings for those programs that i tape on a regular basis...changing dates and times and deleting and adding, etc. i end up doing this just before 7pm, making sure i don't tape or forget to tape something IMPORTANT. well, much like you, my vcr is set to channel 3 (if only mine were set to channel 4 this would a fascinating story about sabado gigante and spanish language commercials where everything is in spanish except for the name of the product, pronounced in perfect local newscaster english..."tide con color guard bleach") and when i turn off the vcr to activate the timer, i'm left on channel 3 which is the cable slot for chicago's cbs affiliate, which is actually channel 2, but of course, channel 2 on cable systems is reserved for the tv guide channel (that debbie matenopoulos...what a card) and all of this is just a long-winded explanation trying to cover up the fact that my story revolves around a segment on (gasp!)...entertainment tonight.

ET is something i do my darnedest to avoid. not because i'm a snob. not because mary hart's voice causes seizures. but because of bits like the following...

for what seemed like an eternity, the hosts went on and on and on updating us on the failing health of selected celebrities. estelle getty and her struggle with alzheimers. annette funicello and her battle with MS. dudley moore and his rare brain disease. ryan o'neal and his courageous fight against leukemia. this ACUALLY featured daughter tatum describing ryan as "a fighter!". the parade of sickness and death marched on. bob hope. shelley winters. blah, blah, blah. in fact, EACH celebrity's affliction was accompanied by a rousing, hopeful adjectival phrase (courageous battle, brave fight), much like when ER is "inspirational" or the practice is "provocative". all i want my tv to be is "entertaining". if i wanted this sort of infotainment, i know where epcot is. needless to say, i was horrified, stricken, embarassed. in my denial that decent people would be interested in such a morbid slide show, i envisioned a much more likely scenario.

i'm sure you've all heard about the celebrity death pool. but this...this goes deeper. it's more insidious, more depraved and honestly a lot more fun...celebrity deathwatch bingo. in MY world, the cards are issued by the shadowy underworld forces controlling hollywood, alluded to in david lynch's most recent masterpiece "mulholland drive" (ny film critics can't be wrong, it's the best film of the year). these ET segments are coded messages for the players of this game. just need shelley winters? better dust off that screenplay. a development deal might be around the corner. missing bob hope? time to throw together that demo for the multi-record, multi-million dollar major label deal coming your way. dudley moore would cinch it? book a spa weekend cause you'll need to look your best when that weekend anchor slot opens up.

on a lighter note, famous people DO make for fantastic party games. Often these games are a fashionable way to assess how many minutes are left on someone's fifteen and begin like this..

"Mariah Carey. Superstar?" Possible answers are as follows:

Personality - the lowest rung, either on the way up or on the way down

Celebrity - writes up in a tabloid ensures at least this status

Star - you've got fifteen minutes starting....NOW!

Superstar - when a last name becomes an adjective or adverb, that's a superstar

Icon - if you have to ask, you probably shouldn't play

Be ready to back up YOUR decisions with solid evidence.

Another perennial favorite is "Who Kicks Ass?", played with greatest effect in an enormous record store, preferably a Virgin MegaWhore. grab two cd's and go! "Spice Girls vs. Linkin Park? who kicks ass?" "Shakira vs. Sum 41? who kicks ass?" catch my drift? this formula can be translated into any forum (politics, local news, film, fine arts). advanced players are greatly encouraged to mix and match genres. be warned. this may just lead to hilarious hijinks for all concerned.

but, back to Dave Thomas. when i got the news, i'm sure i heard it and the next time someone famous (i almost said a celebrity but face it, dave was merely a personality) passes, if you keep your ears wide open, you might hear it too, carried on countless frequencies, bouncing off satellites, beamed into our houses 24-7.....