Many have asked "What can I watch on the ol' boob tube during Old Skool Month? With all those Friends and Everybody loving Raymond, what's a girl to do?" well, first i say not "kill your television", but maybe "give it rest". As George Carlin said, it's got two dials, one to change the channel and the other to turn it off. He may have been saying this about radio, but the sentiment is the same.

But for television free of the 21st Century, you might try the following: (cable is an important element here, so if you aren't a slave to AT&T, Cox, Comcast, TimeWarner or some such other infotainment conglomerate, good for you, but you're outta luck.)

First and foremost: SoapNet

Here's some background. Recently, on a much-needed weekend in Austin, I discovered this little gem quite by accident. What is important is what was being screened. Quite possibly the most overacted, underdressed nighttime soap spinoff...that's right...Dynasty II: The Colbys, prominently featuring...get ready...Emma Samms (you know, Holly from General Hospital); Stephanie Beacham (you know, Dylan's mom on 90210); Maxwell Caulfield (you know, from Grease 2); Diahann Carroll (you know, from the Star Wars holiday special); Charleton Heston (you know, Moses); Katherine Ross (you know, THE Stepford Wife) Ricardo Montalban (you know, KHAN...come on, say it with me...Corinthian Leather) and last but certainly not least, Miss Barbara Stanwyck looking very sad and confused and most definitely angry at her agent, much like that old bird that plays Alice Horton on Days of Our Lives(does anyone remember when they would roll her out in sunglasses and sit her in the back of the frame, like Weekend at Bernie's?)

Now, as you can imagine, i spent the entire hour howling. Every new scene had me in stiches. The hair, the fashions, the acting, the dialogue, the guest stars. it just wouldn't end and i commented at the time that watching this show would make for some fantastic drinking games, if you're into that sort of thing. All this weeks before catching the slighest glimpse of a commercial for new FOX travesty That 80's Show, featuring a drinking game to The Colbys progenitor, Dynasty. Now was I dreaming, was it really an ad for MadTV or is FOX really foisting this on us? I must admit that I was skeptical of That 70's Show and do find myself laughing out loud when I happen to catch it, but this? I'm not ready for this. The 80's hurt too much to laugh at it yet (except during American Psycho).

Hart to Hart on the Hallmark Channel, "because when they met it was Murder!" nuff said.

Lifetime - I know, I know. television for white women and gay men. Hours upon hours of Golden Girls and Designing Women. BUT, where else will you see such made-for-tv classics like "Mother May I Sleep With Danger" (Yes, that's Tori Spelling you smell), "The Rape of Dr. Willis" (yes, Jacyln Smith IS under all that grimacing) and "She Cried NO! (yes, that is Full House powerhouse Candace Cameron, all grown up and Gasp! married...also starring NYPD Blue "nottie" Mark-Paul Gaultier...don't you just miss when he was the scheming preppie on Saved by the Bell.. are you as concerned that someone like Quentin Taratino is going to attempt to resurrect the career of Dustin Diamond AKA Skreech... the line must be drawn HERE!) Also, you can appreciate the entire oeuvre of such talents as Judith Light, Markie Post, Ann Jillian, Connie Selleca, Meredith Baxter (sans Birney), Joanna Kerns and the list goes on and on....and if you watch long enough, you get to see Patty Duke embarrass herself over and over (always a treat...or is it just me?)

Nick-at-Nite of course, but if you've been away, be warned. it can and probably will involve Cheers.

AMC - recent treasure: Shane. that Alan Ladd...OUCH!

Arsenio Jams on VH-1: i know, but it's Arsenio...on VH-1...just thinking about it makes me giggle. especially that triangle hair. (don't get me onto Tempest Bledsoe...when do we gets reruns of HER talk show?)

Peace, love and hair grease,