i realized several days ago that i hadn't seen anyone in my life in almost a week. you see, my roommate moved out at the end of last month, and i decided to stay put and live in our two bedroom all by myself. now, i've only lived alone once before, which i hated. of course, much of that was circumstantial. it was my last quarter of college, my fifth year, after most of my friends had graduated and moved elsewhere, and my boyfriend was in wales on a year abroad. i wasn't just alone, but lonely. i've continued to live with roommates since then, especially recently, to stay in practice. used to making compromises, etc. just in case, i, you know, find a partner, someone i might eventually, maybe, live with. however, that reasoning doesn't seem to hold much water these days. i may spend most of my time alone, but i'm rarely lonely. i got the city to keep me company.

strangely enough, around the same time, i started rereading parts of my diary. you see, i had just run into two guys that i dated this time last year. i hadn't seen either of them in almost a year, but bumped into both of them within five days of each other. the universe must be telling me something, i thought. in fact, i had just started to see someone new, someone that i was actually interested in, someone that i was starting to feel connected to, someone who had just thrown the emergency brake on whatever was happening (or not happening) between us. and in reading about last year and the year before, i was reintroduced to the engaging, articulate, interested, motivated, silly, smart queer liberationist that i used to be.

lately, i'd been feeling disconnected, inarticulate, disinterested, unmotivated, boring and stupid. part of that is how much time i spend alone, without stimulative social intercourse, since i haven't been working. another part is that i don't write with any regularity anymore. this diary was one of the only things that made life bearable in chicago. kept me connected to myself and where i was at. afforded an outlet for venting and considering and creating. so i didn't keep it inside, ruminating over it again and again, driving myself to distraction.

well, i'm back in the job market. of course, i haven't worked in eighteen months and haven't worked in the field i'm trying to return to in four years. so my past in a bit of a challenge in that regard. but, i'm plugging away at it. it only takes one person to put the gaps in context and take a chance on me. in the meantime, i'm channeling my recent conversion to fitness into studying for a personal training certification. can you imagine? me, a personal trainer?

and i'm back to writing again. about me, about my little world, about the larger world. music, literature, television, art, film, politics, society. the agony, the ecstasy. you know, life. as it was, as it is, as it will be.

-finn