Out Of Practice
2003-10-09

jumbled. that is the most accurate word to describe my state of mind at present. since rejoining the ranks hereabouts, i have yet to return to the rhythm of expressing myself this way on a regular basis. in fact, i've said very little, most of it throwaway, meaningless drivel. not that i don't enjoy the occassional drivel. how do you explain the sugary pop, the trash television, charlie's angels movies? right? to find anything eloquent, reasoned, insightful or revealing might seem quite like the search for tutankhamen's tomb: dirty, exhausting, and possibly cursed.

yet, i've been doing just that. trying to remember what i sounded like before. the words don't string together like they used to. i've been mumbling through a mouthful of marbles. how alliterative. oh god.

to some degree, i've been telling myself that i've been so caught up living that i haven't had the time to digest and/or regurgitate, here or elsewhere. good thing i don't have any baby birds to raise these days. partly, i found myself surrounded by incredibly talented and interesting people every day that i spent my time sharing myself with, past, present and future. partly, since my job was so top secret, i found it difficult to share the every day, even with the people i'm closest to, much less try to find scores and scores of euphemisms to avoid being discovered violating confidentiality agreements all over the internet.

for good and ill, the gig is over. six months wrapped with up with a giant bow fashioned from packing tape. the last few weeks have been spent breaking down our space, preparing the unselected design proposals for storage, saying our goodbyes. on this day, my fourth official day of unemployment, i find myself putting off tasks until tomorrow, so that i'll have something to do tomorrow. this can only get me through another week at most, before i start to slowly go mental from having only myself and my thoughts to myself all day long every day without distraction. of course, i could be studying for the gre. of course, i could start looking for another job. of course, i could spend hours and hours on the world wide web. of course, i could start watching all 48 episodes of space:1999 on dvd. (oh wait, i already did that! shit is pure genius!) of course, i could join a gym. (i am considering this very seriously, starting with week-long guest passes at as many local gyms as i can get my hands on.) of course, i could go out of town. (actually, i am planning a quick jaunt to new haven this weekend and i have a trip to california hanging over my head in november.)

right now, i just wish i had more slacker friends who can hang out on a thursday afternoon and keep me entertained and distracted from the rapidly-approaching reality that i have to decide, if not what i want to be when i grow up, at least what i want to do next. and even that is turning out to be a much more involved challenge than i had originally anticipated. ain't self-consciousness grand? fortunately, beyond that noted above, i have reorganizing my closet for winter (a gargantuan, almost herculean, task), finishing the most recent Q magazine, reading chuck palahniuk's newest novel "diary" (how ironic), sending off mix cds and getting my simon lebon shag trimmed on my gay agenda as well.

guess i'll be doing some scribbling round here too. about time.

-finn

Previously:
Shiny Happy Person (or Something Like That) - 2005-08-19
Having Trouble Saying What I Mean With Dead Poets and a Drum Machine - 2005-08-14
Let's Rock! - 2005-07-27
Knock Me Right Off My Feet - 2005-07-22
Play or You'll Never Know - 2005-07-14