i'm feeling rather unsettled. i'm not sure if the having to end something that never started or the not feeling that bothered by having to end something that never started has me more twisted up. maybe it is the feeling that he's not that bothered by having to end something that never started that digs the most. or the sense that i foolishly invested (temporally, financially, psychically)in a losing proposition, watching the stock fall day in and day out, and being too darn stubborn or lazy to sell, sell, sell.

obviously, there is tons more going on under the surface that i've explored to some degree, but going into it here doesn't make too much sense until we've had a chance to talk things out ourselves. speculation is simply not worth the effort. besides, even if we did have feelings for each other, beyond what has been expressed (which is probably more likely the case), the material circumstances of the situation haven't changed. i live here, he lives there. 2500 miles. i have considered moving back to san francisco, but after grad school at the earliest, which means 3 years from now.

and to further complicate things, i've met someone round these parts that seems strangely promising. soooooo....

even though on the surface it feels like a waste, honestly it has been anything but. it has reminded me how to give and how to receive and how to speak up and how to stay silent. and it has been full of tiny moments and grand gestures. and super hot sex.

stay tuned.