My Hopes Are So High That Your Kiss Might Kill Me
2003-11-04

so, here we are again. i may have mentioned that i've been seeing someone for a little while. "hanging out". and that our last interaction was a tad awkward. and i, hoping that said awkwardness was an aberration and not the new regime, was receptive when the phone rang again inquiring after my company. i wasn't available at the time, with all of the working 10 hour days into the night, most of it in new jersey, but i indicated that i would check in early this week to see about catching a flick or some such nonsense. which i did.

our brief conversation involved a rather crass statement on his part that went like this: "sometimes i think i would fuck anything with legs." now, when haven't each and every one of us felt that horny, especially on an unseasonably warm late autumn day? probably why i had called him in the first place. but is this the sort of thing that you would say to a recent sexual partner, one in whom you might ostensibly harbor a romantic interest? i was a smidge bent out of shape. i mean, i hadn't expected much from our "hanging out" but i never expected to feel cheap and used.

so, when we spoke again later that evening to finalize plans, i needed to clear the air. he was exceedingly apologetic, even stammered a bit. i appreciated the apology and said so, but didn't necessarily feel any better. mostly, because now i needed some clarity regarding our extracirricular activities. that obviously he was attracted to me and i to him, but if he wasn't romantically interested, that he should just tell me so, 'cause, look, i'm a big boy and i can take it. and if we are simply going to hang out and have sex occassionally that was ok with me, if HE could handle it, which i wasn't so sure about.

then i received the "i was weird with you before because i was worried that i'll disappoint you and even though i never believe it when someone says it to me, i mean it when i say that i'm not able to be in a relationship". thank god, he had the decency not to say "it's not you, it's me". which of course, i knew already, i just needed to hear him say it. so, now, when he says, "i'm not emotionally available to be in a relationship", i'm trying not to hear "i'm not interested enough to be in a relationship with you".

and though i appreciate the honesty, it just sucks to feel like here i am again, "involved" with someone who wants to have their cake and eat it too. take everything that i have to offer (affection, kindness, laughter, decency, smarts, pizazz and some damn hot sexy) and give nothing in return. it is depressing to encounter yet another person for whom i'm marriage material, if only that was what they were looking for. it's disheartening to see someone so obviously damaged, that they are trying to turn their pursuit of the casual into a virtue and twist honesty into a free pass to excuse misbehavior. i guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

i'm not feeling so hurt really. i wasn't in love with the guy or anything. but i probably could have been. and whether the "not able to" is or isn't about me, that ego bruise is already fading. maybe it is the loss of the possible that feels shitty. he still wants to "hang out" (which means "and maybe have sex"). before the awkwardness, this seemed reasonable. and the sex is damn good. so maybe it's time for him to feel cheap and used. just a thought.

-finn

Previously:
Shiny Happy Person (or Something Like That) - 2005-08-19
Having Trouble Saying What I Mean With Dead Poets and a Drum Machine - 2005-08-14
Let's Rock! - 2005-07-27
Knock Me Right Off My Feet - 2005-07-22
Play or You'll Never Know - 2005-07-14